What Do They Know
by Cullen Concession
Summary: Therapy. Once you go though something that changes who you are, how do you learn to accept the person you have become?
1. First Entry

2/13/2013 10:50 PM

Dear Whoever:

"They" told me to write in you. "They" told me it would make me feel better. "They" will read it and respond back. Maybe I will open up more in writing than when I don't talk to them. Screw them. I don't feel better. I don't feel anything.

There, I wrote something are you happy?


	2. Second Entry

2/14/2013 7:15 AM

It's me again. I still have nothing to write. I still don't feel better, but they won't let me do anything unless I write in this piece of crap journal. I have to prove to them I am serious about getting better. I don't care. I don't care if I get better. I am just tired of having them hover over me.

Screw you, assholes. This is all you are getting from me. Happy now?

Yours Truly,


	3. Third Entry

2/14/2013 10:17 AM

Still trapped in this God forsaken hell.

"Have you written today?"

Yes, I did thank you very fuckin' much. I wrote. I don't know what they want me to write. Did writing help Hunter S. Thompson, Virginia Wolf or Ernest Hemingway? Yeah, google that shit. Maybe if I draw them a picture.

I just realized it is Valentine's Day. A day for lovers. What a crock! Love, really? You want a day just to celebrate love? Ever notice love is a four letter word?

They told me after breakfast I could go outside if I wrote in you after I ate.

So here you go.


	4. Mentor Response

2/14/2013 2:23 PM - Mentor Response

I am your mentor for now.

I know you hate this.

I know you hate it here.

I can't tell you what to write that will get you out any faster.

I can tell that the more you write in your journal the better you will feel.

I know you will not believe me. Not at first.

Just so you understand, they paired us for a reason.

I will be responding to your journal entries daily.

There are lots of four letter words. Hope, Luck, Fate, Walk, Love, Star, Plug, Read, Duck, Heal

What is your favorite color?

I am here if you need me.


	5. Fourth Entry

2/14/2013 10:42 PM

Dear Mentor:

You can take your orange pen and shove it up your orange ass. You think you know me? You read a book that I write a few random words in and you think you know me? Fuck you!

How can you "here for me"? You read a journal that I shove in a drawer! I bet you are a real winner in life. Are those the best four letter words you can come up with on Valentine's day? Come on!

How about fuck, hard, cunt, come, deep, cock or slut? How do those make you feel? You fuck with people like me for a living, don't you?

I have to go "lights out". I hope I don't wake up.

Fuck off, I want a new mentor.


	6. Fifth Entry

2/15/2013 7:38 AM and 11:12 AM

Dear "Mentor":

I don't feel like writing today. If I wasn't here, this is one of those days that I don't know what I would do to escape. Why are they forcing me to do this? I don't get it.

I wish I didn't have to take the medicine for sleep. I hate the dreams, but I need them because at least the fear they invoke is a feeling. The medicine keeps the dreams away.

Whatever.

11:12 AM

They told me I could go outside as long as I write in this journal. There are a few people out there that walk around, I don't want to talk to them. My parents have not visited, but it isn't like they were around.

I don't need to be here. I don't want to be here. Why do you choose to be in such a fucked up space? How did you get stuck with me?


	7. Mentor Response 2

I take it that orange is not your favorite color?

I think we all have days when we want to stay in bed or at least tune the world out. What I want you to understand is that life is full of obligations and just because you don't feel like getting out of bed doesn't mean that you get to stay in bed or otherwise escape.

Make no mistake in thinking I don't understand. Believe me, I have the battle scars, same as you. That may be why they put us together.

You have been here for almost three weeks, now it is time for you to meet the people you see walking around.

What is your favorite color?


	8. Sixth, Seventh and Eight Entry

**2/15/2013 10:24 PM**

Mentor:

Every night is hard. I think I feel alone. I think I have always felt alone at night, I just masked it with other things. The night I took those pills, I didn't mean to take so many. I wasn't trying to do what they are accusing me of doing. I just wanted a break from things.

Some days I feel so much it is not even bearable. Some days I don't feel anything. That day I felt too much.

I don't want to be here anymore. I am better, don't you see it?

I walked the grounds today and did meet a new friend. We shared a smoke and our stories. I hope to see my friend tomorrow. It feels better talking to someone, who has been in a similar place. I don't smoke but I hope I can have another smoke break tomorrow.

I want to sleep tonight.

**2/16/2013 7:16 AM**

Mentor:

Do you know why I am here? Have you ever had your entire world ripped from you in the length of time it takes to blink your eyes? Of course not, you have a cushy little job where you sit in a chair all fuckin' day and judge me because I couldn't handle my shit.

Why don't you tell me what we have in common?

You want to know my favorite color? It sure as hell is not orange.

Find a new pen or don't write to me.

When I close my eyes, I see the life leaving the eyes of the best friend I have ever known. I tried everything I could to cope with it. I tried everything! I just wanted a break. I don't need to stay here to continue to see how messed up I am. There is nothing you can do to save me. Just like there was nothing I could do to save my best friend. My best friend died wearing an orange shirt.

The person I shared a cigarette with doesn't have a mentor. What did I do that was so special that I get you?

**2/16/2013 10:02 AM**

Mentor:

I am only writing this entry so I can go outside. They told me I will start my group sessions tomorrow. Apparently, they feel I have wallowed in self pity and detoxed for long enough now. I was never addicted to anything except maybe my best friend.

* * *

**AN:**

**I know this is a bit confusing. Please stick with it. I would love to hear your thoughts! I will try to combine some of the entries so the chapters are longer. I promise the chapters will be getting longer. **


	9. Mentor Response 3

2/16/2013 Mentor Response 2:02 PM

I understand how you feel about my orange pen. Perhaps you can make a different suggestion? What is your favorite color?

I don't want to tell you that you need to move on. I know you have heard that time and time again. I do think you need to accept what has happened. You need to process everything.

I do understand loss. I see the face of the person I lost so often. I can see the pain. I can feel the distance, but I know that people have to move along. I think it hurts, I know it hurts.

There comes a time when your justification of suffering loses it footing against the pursuit of growth and happiness. You aren't there yet, but when you start to feel aware of the continuity of life, then you know it is time.

Tell me about your walks outside. Tell me about who you are meeting. Tell me your story.

I will be here as long as you need me.

Take Care.


	10. Ninth, Tenth and Eleventh Entry

**2/16/2013 10:02 PM**

Mentor:

I watched my best friend die a year ago. I tried everything possible to save him. There was no amount of CPR, not amount of praying, no amount of bargaining with God to bring him back.

I tried for almost a year to make it without him. People think I tried to kill myself. I didn't. My goal was to get through the night. When you care about someone so much it feels like magnets are pulling your hearts together it is amazing. When that person is gone, your world can't stabilize.

He spoke to me like a poet.

I have met a friend here. We have shared a cigarette or two. I have never smoked before but my new friend said it helps. We talked. I talked about what happened. My new friend shared what they have been through. I smiled. I smiled. I haven't smiled in a long time. Today was windy. My friend put my hair back behind my ears. I don't know the last time someone touched me who didn't feel sorry for me. Pity hugs are the worst!

**2/17/2013 7:18 AM**

Mentor:

The guilt of going to sleep happy hurts. I have to go to breakfast. Do you think I could get some chapstick? The wind hurts my lips.

**2/17/2013 10:39 AM**

Mentor:

I am the only one at the breakfast table with a mentor. I asked one of the servers if I could have their purple pen. I gave them the orange one you left in my journal.

I get to go outside again today.


End file.
